[0:00]Now it's time now, however, for Sal Minello from Brooklyn with, well, with whatever.
[0:06]Good morning, Sal.
[0:07]Good morning, Don.
[0:08]Thanks a lot.
[0:08]Shut up.
[0:09]I don't know what it is about Brooklyn at Christmas time, but somehow it's like certain
[0:13]magic in the air, you know?
[0:15]I don't know whether it's a light layer of snow covering the bums, the light layer of
[0:19]snow covering the bums, the little children gaily frolicking up and down Flatbush Avenue
[0:23]picking pockets, or perhaps it's because the dog crap freezes.
[0:26]But whatever it is, it just says Christmas, and every year we go over to my grandmother's
[0:31]house, we sit around a space heater, and I tell them all the story of Christmases that
[0:34]actually happened to me, rhymes and everything, and it goes something like this.
[0:38]Actually, it goes exactly like this.
[0:40]I don't know why I say it goes something like this.
[0:41]That's how it's supposed to go.
[0:43]Thanks a lot.
[0:43]Shut up.
[0:46]It was the night before Christmas, and sheeps had bait.
[0:49]The kids was asleep, waiting for the big day.
[0:52]The stockings was hung by the furnace with care, in hopes that by morning,
[0:57]they would all still be there.
[0:59]Me and the skank was getting ready for bed.
[1:02]I wore pajamas.
[1:03]She had a paper bag for her head.
[1:06]Went up on the roof, I heard this big crash.
[1:08]Thought it was a burglar.
[1:09]I was gonna kick ass.
[1:11]Went out in the fire escape, looked up in the sky, and what did I see?
[1:15]This freaking fat guy.
[1:17]With a red suit and boots that came up to his knees.
[1:20]In the moonlight, he looked just like Dom DeLuise.
[1:24]He had this big sled pulled by these reindeer.
[1:26]He called one of them dancers, so I assumed he was, you know.
[1:32]But as he crept off the roof, it became clear to me, this guy was looking to steal my TV.
[1:37]Because over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
[1:40]He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
[1:44]I waited a second, till the timer seemed ripe, and smacked him in the head, bada-bing, with a pipe.
[1:51]He fell to the floor with a groan and a thud.
[1:53]I was kind of surprised I didn't see blood.
[1:55]Instead, he rolled over, looked me right in the eye.
[1:59]When I saw who I hit, I nearly started to cry.
[2:03]I said, hey, yo, Santa, I'm sorry, all right?
[2:06]Not for nothing, he said, but this just ain't my night.
[2:09]I got lost in the Bronx.
[2:11]I ran over some nuns.
[2:13]Had a near miss by Kennedy.
[2:15]Rudolph's got the runs.
[2:17]I'm at all freaking night.
[2:19]I am busting my hump.
[2:20]But I can't continue now, not with this bump.
[2:22]So do me a favor.
[2:24]Be a real pal.
[2:25]Take over.
[2:26]Take over for me.
[2:27]You'll be Santa Claus, Sal.
[2:30]I said, I'm from Brooklyn.
[2:31]I ain't right for the par.
[2:34]But he told me, Santa Claus comes from your heart.
[2:42]He made me all fight couldn't refuse.
[2:44]Stopped out every house, except for the Jews.
[2:49]That's regulation.
[2:51]You gotta pass over them.
[2:53]I got in a suit and stepped down to the sleigh, wondering why reindeers all smelled that way.
[2:57]Took off on my mission, didn't want to be late, while old St. Nick spent the night posing my date.
[3:04]That night, I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
[3:08]And if you don't believe me, then yo, jingle this.
[3:11]Since then, I've been with him every year in the cold, riding shotgun with Santa.
[3:15]Because he's fat and he's all.
[3:17]I'm his number one helper.
[3:19]I've been deputized.
[3:20]So on this Christmas Eve, don't you be surprised.
[3:24]If you hear a voice, say really loud and abrupt.
[3:27]Merry Christmas to all.
[3:31]Thanks a lot.
[3:32]Shut up.
[3:33]Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah.
[3:36]Very good.